You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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