For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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