Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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