dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
