Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
