Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
