I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
