its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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