my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
