It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
