I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
