Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
