Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
