I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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