Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
