mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
