He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
