I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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