waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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