would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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