Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
