Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
