we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
