last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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