if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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