My underwear smells like fireworks.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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