True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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