You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
