My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
