you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
