Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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