in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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