my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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