Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
