remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
