I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
