I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
