I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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