you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
