I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
