Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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