We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
