Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
