babies were throwing up all over the place
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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