im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
