You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
God I need to hump something, right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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