i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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