Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
