if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
