Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
