i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
