My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
